One of my favorite examples of self-sabotage is a story about Vincent van Gogh. Before he went on to be one of the most famous painters in history, he was a struggling artist, and an admirer of the successful artist Jules Breton. One day, van Gogh decided to walk 80 kilometers to Breton´s hometown, to show him some of his drawings. When he arrived at the property, he got cold feet. He decided to turn around and leave, and Breton never knew he was there. ¹

This example gives a good breakdown of what happens when your inner saboteur takes over. When you feel a deep desire for something, you often feel very motivated in the beginning. From that energy you take a few careful steps in the right direction. As you get closer to your desire, your self-doubt tends to come up. The closer you get to what you want, the more you want to turn around and run away.

You want to start a business or get a new work opportunity, and you are invited to an interview or a meeting for a collaboration. You wanted a healthy relationship, and you met someone that is truly great. Or you have been looking for your dream home and are about to buy it / sign a contract for it.

And then, just as you are about to get what you wanted, something inside you starts to panic. You want to pull the plug and just call the whole thing off.

And you probably have some good reasons for it. You feel that you are not quite ready for the new opportunity, because you need to do a course first or grow your confidence. The person you were dating has some habits that, after reflecting on it, you don´t like that much. And that dream home, is it truly the right time to move? Maybe it´s best to wait a few months and see what the housing market will do.

It is totally possible that you don´t want it, deep down. This often happens when the desire for something comes not from yourself, but from expectations that are put on you by society or your loved ones. When your desire is not genuine, it will feel like a sense of dread, like something is off while you rationally feel that you should be happy about it.

But also, maybe, this is your self-sabotage kicking in. Because we often fear the things we want the most just as strongly as we desire them, our self-protection mechanisms tend to come up when we get what we want.

We often sabotage ourselves in small and bigger ways, often without being consciously aware that we are doing it. We mistake our fear or discomfort for the feeling that something isn´t quite right, and then pull away from what might be great for us.

Rather than giving space to the discomfort and noticing what is going on beneath the surface, it feels safer and more comfortable to avoid these feelings altogether.

Fear comes in different shapes and forms. You may feel fear of disappointment or failure, or getting your heart broken. When you have negative past experiences that you haven´t fully processed, you often fear that they will repeat themselves.

There is often a part of you that wonders if you deserve this big change, or if you are truly ready for it.  When you are used to having to work hard in either your career or your relationships, it can feel uncomfortable when something comes naturally. It can be challenging to sink into the trust that it is the right time, that you deserve it and that you are allowed to enjoy it.

Or it could just be the fact that it is something new, and therefore unfamiliar. Life changes, no matter how much you have longed for them, are a step into unknown territory, and that can bring up a lot of fear.

We are wired to want what is familiar and comfortable, even when we have outgrown it or want something different for ourselves.

Your nervous system is focused mostly on keeping you safe, not on letting you thrive and live a deeply meaningful life. So, it is totally normal to feel fear right when a big change comes along. You can feel excited about something and scared at the same time. In fact, to your nervous system fear and excitement feel very similar. 

When your fear gets triggered, you are no longer connected to how you really feel about this change. Your thoughts become scattered, and as a reaction to the physical discomfort you feel, your mind starts to create stories. And you probably start believing them, because they tend to be very convincing.

What you need in such moments is to welcome in the part of you that feels afraid, without letting guide your decision-making. To allow your fear to be felt in your body without getting overwhelmed. To give yourself safety while you acknowledge, express, feel and share the discomfort.

Rather than running away or sabotaging what could be something great for you, give yourself some time to adjust. Acknowledge that change feels scary and incorporate some calming practices into your routine. Breathe into the discomfort. Allow it to be there without the need to act upon it.

Self-sabotage is like having two parts of yourself in conflict with each other. One part wants to move towards your desires, and feels excitement for what is to come. The other part is afraid, and is trying to pull you away from those changes.

While it may seem tempting to ignore the part that is afraid, it will continue to sabotage you if you do. Rather, give space to the part of you that feels afraid. Give yourself the space to process this change that is about to happen in your life. Acknowledge this part, without letting it make the decisions in your life. Ask yourself what you need to feel a little calmer, a little steadier.

What you need is to gently notice the urge you feel to escape. To be with the physical sensations and breathe into it, while using some calming techniques to bring your nervous system back to a regulated state. Only then can you decide what truly feels right in this situation.

As you integrate your emotions from past experiences and learn to calm your nervous system, you won´t feel the need to self-sabotage anymore. You will be able to recognize your scattered thoughts and the stories you have created for what they are: fear.

If you notice self-sabotaging patterns coming up, here are a few steps you can take.

1. Take a pause

Fear often makes you react impulsively, so the best thing you can do is pause. Take a few deep breaths and notice that you feel the tendency to retreat into your shell, escape the situation or call off your planned action.

This may go against your natural tendencies, but it helps to give you some perspective on your situation before you act in ways you may later regret.

2. Acknowledge your fear

What are the feelings and sensations that come up in your body when you think about this change? Do you feel any contractions, tightness, different breathing patterns? See if you can gently bring you attention to the body parts you notice the most. You don´t need to change how you feel, just notice and make space for it.

What are the thoughts that come up? See if you can write down how you feel without judgment. What are you most afraid of? Where does that fear come from?

3. Bring in some calming practices

When your nervous system is triggered and you feel afraid your thoughts and perspectives come from a place of fear. You tend to look at your situation through the lens of what could go wrong. When you calm your nervous system, your thoughts become calmer too, and that change your interpretation of the situation.

A calming practice can be a walk in nature, some gentle breathing exercises or talking to a trusted friend. Perhaps you enjoy calming music, a warm bath or some stretching. Give yourself as much time as you need.

4. Reconnect with your initial desire

There was a reason you wanted to take this step in the first place. Can you get back in touch with your longing? Now that you are calmer, does this step feel aligned with where you want your life to go?

Now take a deep breath and keep going. Know that just because you feel afraid, that doesn´t mean that you are not ready, or not worthy. Because you absolutely are.

If this feels familiar to you and you would like some guidance in this process, I welcome you to schedule a free introduction call with me.

**Footnotes:**

1.  hoakley (6 April 2017). “Jules Breton’s Eternal Harvest: 4 1877–1889”. The Eclectic Light Company. Archived from the original on 15 January 2021. Retrieved 17 October 2024.