The surprising beauty of sadness

Sadness is one of the most universally shared experiences of being human. It is one of those feelings that everyone around the world recognizes in the same way. We can often tell when someone is sad from just observing them.

It is almost impossible to live a life without sadness. Because to live is to long for things, and to lose things we care about. Life is cyclical, and everything is always changing. With loss, change and longing for things that we cannot seem to receive comes grief. The more you truly live and open your heart, the deeper your sadness will run. Your sadness is a token of your ability to love and hope.

While it is one of the most commonly shared human experiences, it comes with a lot of discomfort. Not just in the form of the actual pain that comes with sadness, but also from what we believe it says about us when we are sad.

Most of us receive mixed messages about sadness growing up. It is often seen as more acceptable for girls and children than it is for guys and people above a certain age. There is also a cultural component: while I personally come from a culture that is uncomfortable with a public display of emotions, some cultures are better at sharing their sadness and grieving together. And so while some people grow up feeling held and supported in their sadness, others are taught to bear it alone.

Since sadness makes other people uncomfortable, we are often quietly encouraged to experience it behind closed doors.

We rarely see adults cry in public, and the public crying we do get to see is not always authentic: think about reality tv where crying is used to gain sympathy from the viewer. The only time people seem to be comfortable with crying is when there is something to be gained from it.

True sadness has no other goal but the expression of how you feel. It can come to the surface when you least expect it, or in situations where you most strongly want to keep it together. You can temporarily fight it, but it has a way of coming to the surface regardless.

Sadness is connected to loss. We grieve what we once had, or deeply longed for but never got. It could be someone that we loved, or something that mattered to us. We may have lost what we once felt was right, or what never was quite right for us. Sometimes it is the byproduct of something beautiful, a new chapter of life that we are excited about while we still grieve the one that is ending.

Giving ourselves permission to grieve that loss is like a ritual. It is the honoring of our hearts desires, of the pain that comes with change.

When we allow ourselves the space to grieve, we make room for something new. Gratitude perhaps, for the beautiful moments we had. Acceptance, for the outcome we did not want but that we got anyway. Or when it comes to the bigger moments of grief, it lifts a little bit of the heaviness in our hearts, and we get to move on a little bit lighter every time.

Unlike what we are taught often, sadness has no timeline. There is no specific moment where you need to be over something. Your sadness stays with you as long as you need to acknowledge the pain you feel. Sometimes it stays with you forever, although it usually comes up less frequently over time.

The purpose of tears when we are babies is to give our caregivers a sign that we need to be cared for in some way, and that really never changes throughout life. But somehow, as we get older, we start seeing sadness as something we need to experience in solitude. If we allow ourselves to experience it at all. Somewhere along the way, we start seeing our tears as something inappropriate. We become more and more uncomfortable with our emotions, and those of others.

In this process, we miss out on an important opportunity for connection. Because in our sadness, we still deeply long to be held, by both ourselves and those we love.

Sadness is our bodies´ way of telling us that we need tending to, that we need to feel loved and seen. Holding ourselves through our sadness can be a deeply healing experience, but so is sharing our sadness with those we love. To be held, seen and heard when we feel our most vulnerable, when we let go of the armor of strength that we have created around ourselves, is a deeply bonding experience.

It teaches us to trust another person with the most tender parts of ourselves, and tells them that they can do the same with us. To have people in your life that share not only in your joy, but in your sadness is well, is truly one of the greatest gifts of life. As you gently let other people in, you grow your capacity for emotional safety in relationships.

When someone else feels close enough to share their sadness with you, it is a great token of trust in you and your connection. If you take this opportunity to respond with empathy, your connection deepens. Being there for them without feeling the need to fix it, change how they feel or feel pity for them (because pity is not the same as empathy), you give them the gift of feeling seen and held at their most vulnerable.

And along the way, we learn that strength was never about pretending that we can always hold it all together and have all the answers.

Strength is allowing ourselves to fall apart, knowing that we will get back up. It is about knowing that no one can do it all alone, and to ask for support when we need it.

When we choose to deny or suppress our sadness, we deny ourselves the chance to be cared for. We then move through life a little heavier, because there is no ritual, no closure, no acknowledgment of our grief. Instead, we feel something else. Anger, that we did not get what we wanted. Resentment, for those who have what we long for. Or disappointment, that life did not go as we wanted it to. Those are all valid feelings, and can all be part of the process. But we only truly heal by tending to the wound.

We cannot feel intense joy without feeling intense sadness, as they are two sides of the same coin. Embracing your sadness allows you to stay open, and experience life in all its fullness. Sadness softens us, allowing us to let go of the armor we have built around our hearts.

Sadness is an opportunity to connect to our own heart, and to allow ourselves to be lovingly held by those we love, including ourselves. To build meaningful, reciprocal relationships where we truly let other people in, and give them permission to do the same with us.

You may find that your sadness over the loss of something specific (a job, relationship or friendship) may bring up sadness over other things as well.

Whenever something happens that touches you so deeply that you have no other choice but to feel it, it creates the space for other unprocessed sadness to come to the surface as well.

You might find that the end of a relationships reminds you of the times a great friendship ended. The loss of a job may remind you of when you felt unworthy in school. And your parents divorce or a sickness in the family can trigger the fear of everything changing and getting older.

As we move through life and experience difficulties, we don´t always take the time to honor the endings. And so we take those feelings with us, until we finally decide to make space for them.

The great beauty of those moments is that, while they can feel extra challenging, it gives us a chance to come to terms with those older feelings so we no longer have to fear them or push them away.

If you find it difficult to tap into your sadness, or want to become more comfortable with sharing your deepest feelings, doing so with a professional can be a great first step. If you resonated with this article and would like to open yourself up more, you can send me an email.