WHY SADNESS MAKES US UNCOMFORTABLE, AND WHAT IT GIVES US TO EMBRACE IT
One of the first things we do when we enter the world is cry. While tears do not always mean sadness (we can cry out of frustration, relief or joy), sadness most often means tears. Somehow, that is just the way our body releases our deep feelings, all across the world.
Sadness is connected to loss. We grieve what we once had, or deeply longed for but never got. It could be someone that we loved, or something that mattered to us. We may have lost what we once felt was right, or what never was quite right for us. Sometimes it is the byproduct of something beautiful, a new chapter of life that we are excited about while we still grieve the one that is ending.
Giving ourselves permission to grieve that loss is like a ritual. It is the honoring of our hearts desires, of the pain that comes with change.
When we allow ourselves the space to grieve, we make room for something new. Gratitude perhaps, for the beautiful moments we had. Acceptance, for the outcome we did not want but that we got anyway. Or when it comes to the bigger moments of grief, it lifts a little bit of the heaviness in our hearts, and we get to move on a little bit lighter every time.
The purpose of tears when we are babies is to give our caregivers a sign that we need to be cared for in some way, and that really never changes throughout life. But somehow, as we get older, we start seeing sadness as something we need to experience in solitude, if we allow ourselves to experience it at all. Somewhere along the way, we start seeing our tears as something inappropriate. We become more and more uncomfortable with our emotions, and those of others.
Perhaps because we connect crying to children, the only ones that are allowed to cry publicly, we think it makes us seem unequipped for the realities of life. We must seem like we have it all together, and that leaves no space for sadness.
In this process, we miss out on an important opportunity for connection. Because in our sadness, we still deeply long to be held, by both ourselves and those we love.
It is our bodies´ way of telling us that we need tending to, that we need to feel loved and seen. Holding ourselves through our sadness can be a deeply healing experience, but so is sharing our sadness with those we love. To be held, seen and heard when we feel our most vulnerable, when we let go of the armor of strength that we have created around ourselves, is a deeply bonding experience.
It teaches us to trust another person with the most tender parts of ourselves, and tells them that they can do the same with us. To have people in your life that share not only in your joy, but in your sadness is well. Is truly one of the greatest gifts of life.
And along the way, we learn that strength was never about pretending that we can always hold it all together and have all the answers.
Strength is allowing ourselves to fall apart, knowing that we will get back up. It is about knowing that no one can do it all alone, and to ask for support when we need it.
When we choose to deny or suppress our sadness, we deny ourselves the chance to be cared for. We then move through life a little heavier, because there is no ritual, no closure, no acknowledgment of our grief. Instead, we feel something else. Anger, that we did not get what we wanted. Resentment, for those who have what we long for. Or disappointment, that life did not go as we wanted it to. Those are all valid feelings, and can all be part of the process. But we only truly heal by tending to the wound.
We cannot feel intense joy without feeling intense sadness, as they are two sides of the same coin. Embracing your sadness allows you to stay open, and experience life in all its fullness. Sadness softens us, allowing us to let go of the armor we have built around our hearts.
So really, sadness is an opportunity to connect to our own heart, and to allow ourselves to be lovingly held by those we love, including ourselves. To build meaningful, reciprocal relationships where we truly let other people in, and give them permission to do the same with us.
If you find it difficult to tap into your sadness, or want to become more comfortable with sharing your deepest feelings, doing so with a professional can be a great first step. If you resonated with this article and would like to open yourself up more, you can send me an email.