How we protect ourselves from emotions—and how to build resilience to face them
Emotions make us human, but they also make us feel uncomfortable
Emotions are an essential part of the human experience. Being able to feel different sensations as we move through life, and being able to reflect on those feelings, is what makes us stand out among other creatures (and artificial intelligence). Even people who consider themselves very rational have emotions, whether they choose to acknowledge them or not.
Emotions have an important task: they show us how we truly feel. Through sensations in our bodies, they show us what we need in that moment. If we choose to fully acknowledge our feelings, they can give us information about what is going on in our life.
When we are in tune with our emotions, they come up and leave again like the ebb and flow of the ocean. As soon as we recognize the feeling and give expression to it, the feeling is no longer needed and will resolve. When we learn how to sit with uncomfortable emotions, they become a normal part of life.
But most of us aren´t lucky enough to learn those skills as children. Most of our caregivers have never learned those skills themselves, and so they were not able to teach it to their children. We learn very quickly that certain emotions, and the expressions that come with them, make other people very uncomfortable.
Deep emotions make us feel raw and tender. They expose our most vulnerable parts to the world. When we choose to express those parts with our loved ones, we want to feel seen and held. When we receive that tending, we feel emotional safety around them.
Every time we feel that our feelings are denied or diminished, we receive the message that our must vulnerable parts are not welcome. To protect ourselves, we learn that we are not safe to express ourselves. We build barriers around our hearts, and try to avoid feeling that way at all costs.
It´s no wonder that many of grow into adults that are uncomfortable with certain emotions. Whether it is anger, sadness, disappointment or loneliness, most of us will feel uncomfortable with at least one of these emotions. ´Feel your feelings´ is one of those pieces of advice that is truly valuable and sounds really simple, but it can be hard in the beginning.
We have learned so many patterns to avoid feeling certain emotions, that we feel tons of resistance come up when we decide to be with them.
That resistance comes in many shapes and forms. It can be defensiveness, getting angry and finding a way to blame someone else for your feelings. Perhaps it is self-criticism or perfectionism. It can look like numbing or distracting yourself with food or social media. It can even show up as things that seem useful: using work, sports, cleaning or helping other people with their problems as a way to distract ourselves from feeling.
We also tend to analyze or talk about our feelings, rather than actually feel them. But not all our feelings can be explained with our rational mind. There are feelings and experiences we have had as a child before we were able to vocalize or comprehend what was happening. Even when we are older, we often feel a certain way about situations or people without being able to pinpoint exactly why. The trick is to accept that perhaps we don´t always need to fully understand why we feel a certain way to feel and process it.
These patterns are understandable, so try to give yourself grace when you find yourself using them to avoid your feelings. It is what we have been taught and modeled throughout our lives, and it can take some time to integrate healthier practices.
The problem with these patterns is that they don´t truly solve anything. We still have those emotions, we have just temporarily shoved them under the rug. As time goes by, the feelings will become more intense until we decide to acknowledge the. That means we have to work harder to avoid the feelings, which costs a lot of time and energy.
When you avoid feeling uncomfortable emotions, you will also feel less of the more desirable emotions : joy, gratitude, connection, love, curiosity, awe and wonder.
When you suppress your feelings, that means you suppress all feelings on some level. We cannot feel intense joy when we don´t allow ourselves to feel intense sadness, as they are two sides of the same coin.
Feeling deeply means being present, in your body, in the moment. It means having no resistance to what comes up in that moment. Avoiding certain feelings means putting a blanket over all of them, not allowing things to truly affect you.
When you simply accept how you feel in that given moment and give yourself a chance to notice and observe the physical sensations you are feeling, you stop fighting your feelings and start accepting them. And in that process, you learn that they are usually a temporary experience, meant to just move through you.
As you learn to accept your feelings and just feel them, you no longer have to avoid the situations that might bring them up, because you now have the capacity to experience them. And that means you feel the space to move towards the things in life that you long for without having the fear of potential disappointment, anger, sadness or any other emotion holding you back.
A healthy relationship. Great career opportunities. Meaningful friendships. Feeling deeply connected to yourself and who you truly are. All of those things require you to be vulnerable, to take a risk. You could get disappointed, hurt and get the outcome you feared. But you could also find deep meaning, connection and purpose.
As you get more comfortable with all of your emotions and grow the resilience for the ones you tend to avoid, you create space to move towards the feelings and life events that you long for as well.
When you are not connected to your deepest feelings, having meaningful connections with others is much more challenging as well. The discomfort you feel with your own emotions is often reflected in feeling uncomfortable around other people´s emotions as well. Being vulnerable and sharing how you truly feel is the way to build lasting relationships with others.
There is great freedom in allowing yourself to feel your emotions in a healthy way. If feeling certain emotions is a new experience to you, going slow and working with someone you trust is really helpful.
Emotions naturally come with sensations in the body, with a specific breathing pattern and physical tendencies. When you are sad, you will naturally cry. When you feel angry, you might want to clench your fists or stomp your feet. Feeling fear might make you want to curl into a ball. When you notice the sensations that come with the emotion with curiosity, and without resistance. you allow your body to naturally complete the cycle. When you stay as close to the actual feeling as possible, without getting caught up in the story, you give your body a chance to digest the experience.
Notice when a situation triggers intense feelings, and when your tendency is to numb your feelings or distract yourself from discomfort. It takes courage to explore your patterns, but can give you great insight in what exactly you are distracting yourself from.
Instead of falling into the pattern, see if you can notice the physical symptoms of discomfort.
Instead of pushing it away, take deep breaths and just notice the sensations. Give yourself some time and space to just notice what happens in your body without feeling a need to change anything. If this feels overwhelming, take it one tiny step at a time. Be with it for a few minutes, then do something that calms your nervous system. This could be a walk in nature, reading a book, talking to a loved one or petting a pet.
Every time you can stay with the feelings, even if it is for a short amount of time, you teach your nervous system that it is safe to feel. And when you regulate yourself back to safety by doing something calming afterwards, you learn that the feelings don´t last forever. That is how you grow your emotional resilience.
Your capacity for intense emotions will stretch over time, but in the beginning, it can feel overwhelming quite quickly. You are allowed to go as slow as you need to go. Honor your process and know that you are building sustainable resilience.
As you gently process past experiences that you weren´t able to express at the time, you teach your nervous system that it is safe to feel. And as past experiences get digested, present day event won´t feel so overwhelming to you anymore.
While feelings can feel overwhelming at first, in the end they are just sensations in the body. Every time you stay present with the feelings, the emotion can come to the surface to be expressed.
Processing uncomfortable emotions can be challenging at first. If you feel that you could use some guidance, feel free to plan a session with me.