How to sit with uncomfortable emotions

Why emotions make you feel so uncomfortable

Whether we like it or not, emotions are a huge part of being human. Even people who consider themselves very rational have emotions, whether they choose to acknowledge them or not. Emotions have an important task: they show us how we truly feel in the moment that we feel them. Through sensations in our bodies, they show us what we need in that moment. When we are in tune with our emotions, they come up and leave again like the ebb and flow of the ocean. As soon as we recognize the feeling and give expression to it, the feeling is no longer needed and will resolve. When we learn how to sit with uncomfortable emotions, they become a normal part of life.

But many of us grow up feeling like we are not allowed to express or feel certain emotions. We learn very quickly that certain emotions, and the expressions that come with them, make other people very uncomfortable. When we continuously get the message that certain feelings are not allowed, or that they cause a disconnect with the ones we love the most, we will try to avoid feeling that way at all cost.

It´s no wonder that many of grow into adults that are uncomfortable with certain emotions. Whether it is anger, sadness, disappointment or loneliness, most of us will feel uncomfortable with at least one of these emotions.

What happens when you avoid or suppress your feelings

The problem is that emotions don´t usually go away because we choose not to feel them. They just go into hiding, waiting to come out at another time. Over time, it takes more and more effort to stop emotions from coming to the surface.

We then need to invent ways not to feel them. We might distract ourselves with online scrolling, numb ourselves with food and alcohol or get stuck in overthinking and analyzing while being disconnected from our bodies. The habits we create to avoid feeling are often much more harmful than the feelings themselves.

Avoiding your feelings costs a lot of energy. The time and effort that go into the habits we created not to feel takes away from the time we can spend creating a life that feels true and fulfilling. When you avoid feeling uncomfortable emotions, you will also feel less of the more desirable emotions : joy, gratitude, connection, love, curiosity, awe and wonder. When you suppress your feelings, that means you suppress all feelings on some level. We cannot feel intense joy when we don´t allow ourselves to feel intense sadness, as they are two sides of the same coin. Feeling deeply means being present, in your body, in the moment. It means having no resistance to what comes up in that moment. Avoiding certain feelings means putting a blanket over all of them, not allowing things to truly affect you.

When you are not connected to your deepest feelings, having meaningful connections with others is much more challenging as well. The discomfort you feel with your own emotions is often reflected in feeling uncomfortable around other people´s emotions as well. Being vulnerable and sharing how you truly feel is the way to build lasting relationships with others. When you are uncomfortable with intense emotions, you will subconsciously avoid situations that could provoke uncomfortable feelings,. That could mean that you don´t go for the job or relationship you want because they could also give you pain.

How to grow your emotional resilience

There is great freedom in allowing yourself to feel your emotions in a healthy way. If feeling certain emotions is a new experience to you, going slow and working with someone you trust is really helpful.

Emotions naturally come with sensations in the body, with a specific breathing pattern and physical tendencies. When you are sad, you will naturally cry. When you feel angry, you might want to clench your fists or stomp your feet. Feeling fear might make you want to curl into a ball. When you notice the sensations that come with the emotion with curiosity, and without resistance. you allow your body to naturally complete the cycle. 

Notice when a situation triggers intense feelings, and when your tendency is to numb your feelings or distract yourself from discomfort. It takes courage to explore your patterns, but can give you great insight in what exactly you are distracting yourself from.

Instead of falling into the pattern, see if you can notice the physical symptoms of discomfort. Instead of pushing it away, take deep breaths and just notice the sensations. If it feels overwhelming, find a safe place in your room to focus on and alternate your attention between feeling the sensations and the place in the room. Take deep breaths and allow yourself to feel.

While feelings can feel overwhelming at first, in the end they are just sensations in the body. Every time you stay present with the feelings, the emotion can come to the surface to be expressed.

Processing uncomfortable emotions can be challenging at first. If you feel that you could use some guidance, feel free to plan a session with me.