Perfectionism is a Form of Self Sabotage

The end of the year is a great time to reflect on all that we have done over the past year, and what we would like to do differently next year. For many of us that might mean setting goals, but I would like to invite you to also reflect on where you have set the bar too high for yourself.

By Steffi van Kessel

Where does perfectionism show up for you?

While only some of us identify as perfectionists, I believe we all recognize that feeling of setting high standards for yourself. It might show up at work, or as a need to be a perfect parent or  friend. Maybe you have organized an event that you wanted to be perfect, or you feel perfectionist about the way you look. While setting high standards for yourself can be seen as a positive thing, perfectionism is often a form of self sabotage.

Aiming to grow in what we do is a beautiful thing. It allows us to discover talents we didn´t know we had, and shows a commitment to something that we care about. There is, however, a difference in doing the best we can and fully showing up and perfectionism. When we are looking for ways to grow,  it comes from a place of joy and curiosity. It allows space for learning and trying different things, and making mistakes in the process. Our worthiness does not depend on the outcome, and in the process we allow ourselves to be human. 

Perfectionism often comes from a place of fear of not being good enough. When we set the standards so high for ourselves that it is almost inevitable that we fail to live up to them at some point, we are setting ourselves up for feeling disappointed in ourselves. When we receive feedback from others, we are likely to interpret it as evidence that we failed, and that we are not good enough.

Perfectionism can lead to procrastination

Setting the standards too high for yourself can lead to you never putting your work out there. It can result in avoiding situations where you feel like you might not meet your own high standards. You might not apply for the job you really want if you do not fit all the criteria, or lose the joy that hobbies and projects once brought. To avoid disappointment and critism, from ourselves or others, it can lead to us sabotaging ourselves in the areas that mean the most to us.

Letting go of perfectionism means we need to be put things out there or show up in a way that is flawed, and accept that we might receive criticism on the things that feel most important to us. It means we have to accept that we, as humans, are flawed, but that our work, our presence, our time and efforts matter anyway.

Dealing with perfectionism can be hard to navigate, but being awareness of how and where it shows up can be a good first step. Some questions you can ask yourself:

1. What is the story you tell yourself when you think about this area of life?

2. Can you recall the first time you had these beliefs come up? What triggered them?

3. What are the feelings and emotions that come up?

4. Can you allow more space for imperfection in that area of life?