How your nervous system shapes your need for connection
We are wired for connection. Having meaningful relationships in our lives where we are fully seen and accepted for who we are not only makes us feel happy, it makes us feel safe. Since our ancestors relied on the tribe they belonged to for their survival, our nervous system constantly scans the people around us for cues of safety or danger. And so while meaningful connections make us feel safe, calm and resilient, loneliness makes us feel unsafe.
The feeling of belonging, of being connected to others and seen and appreciated for our true selves is a deep human need. When we don´t experience belonging, we feel loneliness.
Loneliness is a natural human emotion, part of the spectrum that make up being human. It is totally normal and natural to feel lonely at times, even when you have great people in your life. Our modern society has more of an inherent loneliness to it compared to our ancestors that often lived in tribes and communities.
But loneliness isn´t the same as solitude – something we all need from time to time (and some more than others). It isn´t always about a lack of human contact. We can feel lonely in a group, when we are technically surrounded by people but don´t feel like we connect with those people. It can be a lack of true connection, of people that are there to support you when you need it and vice versa.
Loneliness is about the perceived disconnection from others, a state where you feel unseen, unsupported or isolated from others.
It is the emotional experience of not been understood, seen and valued on a deeper level. This is why people who are a part of tight-knit communities can feel quite lonely when they feel like part of who they are is not accepted by the group.
One cause of loneliness is unmet needs for meaningful relationships. This can happen when you move somewhere new and haven´t built deep connections (yet). Perhaps the people closest to you don´t have the capacity to open up emotionally. Or maybe you feel that the people around you have different values, interest and experiences.
Another reason is that you have internal barriers to connection. Because while we crave deep connection, we also have a fear of vulnerability. Or rather, the fear of judgment and abandonment that come with vulnerability. When you have wounds from the past, connection can be challenging as you may interpret things like someone´s tone of voice, body language and facial expressions through the lens of that wound.
Perhaps your nervous system is not open to receiving the connection you could have, because it doesn´t feel safe to let your guard down.
The way our nervous system works is that we need to feel calm and safe to be open to connect with others. At the same time, we need that connection to feel safe.
When there are no opportunities for true connection with other people, our nervous system feels unsafe. This can trigger a fight or flight response. In relationships, the flight response usually manifests as silence, distancing and isolating. The fight response looks like arguing with others, interrupting other people and fighting for attention. While heated discussions can be beneficial when they are respectful, acting from a fight response often creates separation, leading to more loneliness. This can become a vicious cycle that is hard to escape from.
There is a stigma around loneliness, as people who experience it often feel shame and guilt about it. It can give you the feeling that there is something wrong with you, that you should try harder or made the wrong decisions in the past. This cycle of emotions can make you feel more of a tendency to isolate, which leads to more loneliness.
The cure to both loneliness and the fight or flight reaction that follows from it is found in true connection with others.
When we experience heartfelt listening and response from another person, our nervous system can move out of survival mode and into a state of calm and safety.
Here are some ways you can start:
-Spend time with someone you trust, preferably someone who is calm
Our nervous system becomes calmer immediately when we spend time with someone else who is calm (a great system called co-regulation). If you currently don´t have such people in your life, a therapist or coach can be a great place to start. You learn to build a trusting relationship with someone, and this can lead to you opening up to other connections as well.
-Physical touch
A hug, a massage or other forms of physical touch release oxytocin, which helps you feel calm, safe and connected. You can even nourish your own body by giving yourself an oil massage.
-Spend time with animals or in nature
If you have a hard time connecting with humans, animals can be great too. Connecting with nature is a great way to calm your nervous system.
-Focus on calming your nervous system
There are several tools that help you feel calmer. Humming, singing, rocking back and forth. Gentle movement, certain smells and textures that remind you of when you felt safe. Incorporate gentle calming practices into your life.
When you are in a calmer state, it is a great idea to start with some low-stress social interactions. See where you can follow your interests more, or reach out in ways that don´t feel overwhelming. As you build your social interactions, continue using the calming tools.
If you want to create space for deep, meaningful connections in your life under my guidance, I invite you to schedule an introduction call with me.