A GENTLE APPROACH TO GROWING YOUR RESILIENCE TO FEAR
When I first started my business, absolutely everything about it scared me. Every time I shared content on social media, I wanted to hide under the bed afterwards. When I met new people and they would ask me what I did, I mumbled something about starting this thing ´but we´ll see how it goes´, before excusing myself to go hide in the bathroom. Being visible online, hearing other people´s opinions of what I did and potentially failing publicly all felt terrifying to me, especially when I was still figuring out what exactly I was offering.
I knew rationally that nothing truly terrible would happen. There was a chance that I would fail, or look a little bit silly to some people, but I was not actually in danger. And yet, I felt a physical panic taking over my body every time I took a step.
I believe we all have fears that may seem irrational, but that have a big impact on our lives.
Fear comes in many different flavors and forms, Perhaps your fears are similar to mine, and have to do with failure, visibility and the judgment of others. Or maybe your fears are around relationships: the fear of opening up to someone and then getting your heart broken. I have clients who fear ending up alone, getting sick or losing all their money and possessions.
Sometimes these fears are based on our previous experiences, our upbringing or beliefs that were instilled in us when we were children. Maybe you can pinpoint a specific event that led to this fear, or perhaps it was a fear that one of your parents felt and passed on to you. Or maybe your fears are more mysterious and you can´t really trace them to anything in particular.
Fear is often experienced through both your mind and your body.
Fear is partly something that is in your head: it comes in the form of overthinking, worrying, going through all the doom scenarios that could possibly happen. It shows up as self-doubt, your inner critic telling you that you are not good enough, or not ready.
Fear also comes with physical sensations. It can show up as a tightness in your muscles, shortness of breath, nausea and an increased heartbeat. It varies from a light nervousness to full on panic. The symptoms are your nervous system´s way of telling you that it feels unsafe, even if you rationally are not. It activates the fight-or-flight response in your body, increasing your stress hormones and preparing you to either run or fight.
When your nervous system is calm, your thoughts will settle and feel calmer as well. When you move out of the fight-or-flight mode, you are able to relax and look at your situation with a new perspective.
But the thing with fear is that we can´t usually just decide to not feel them anymore. Because fears aren´t just logical, they are a nervous system reaction to what we perceive as a threat.
My extreme fear-based reaction to taking tiny steps made me think that maybe I wasn´t ready, or I was not meant to be doing this. Maybe if I worked on feeling more confident first, I could then try again. But to my disappointment, I found out that I didn´t magically wake up one day feeling confident. Confidence is something that grows as we take steps and gradually move in the direction of what scares us. To get there, we need to go through the uncomfortable phase.
On the other end of the spectrum, the most common advice I got from people around me was something along the lines of ´just do it, dive right in, face your fears´. And sometimes, that is the best advice. At times we get stuck in overanalyzing and what ifs (I know I do), and then just doing it without having a lot of time to think about it can be the greatest thing. It often feels amazing afterwards, a mix of nervousness and a lot of excitement.
But diving right in isn´t always the answer. When you force yourself to move faster than your nervous system can handle you will end up feeling overwhelmed. Your self-protection mechanisms will come up, and you might decide that it´s better to stay as far away from you fear as you can
When you slowly move towards what you fear while giving your nervous system time to adjust, you create a sustainable change as you become more resilient to that fear.
Rather than taking a big leap at once, you can work towards it in small but consistent steps. You then build the foundation for it to no longer feel like a big leap at all, but rather like the next logical step to take.
Your nervous system is here to protect you from danger. Even though your life is not actually in danger, your body can´t tell the difference. Taking the time to allow our nervous system to adjust and know that it is safe for us to move forward, while using tools to ground yourself in the process, allows the fear to dissolve over time.
This doesn´t mean that you should avoid that which you fear, but that instead of going for a 10/10 scary thing, you can choose to pick a 2 or 3 first. Something that is in the general direction of the 10, but that feels manageably scary.
When you give yourself time to notice the physical sensations that come up and integrate the fear, you teach your nervous system that you can handle it. When you move up to something that felt like a 5 or 6 before, it probably does not feel overwhelming anymore. Finding the sweet spot where something feels makes you nervous, but in a way that you can handle allows you to build resilience for fear, one step at a time.
Behind your fears are often some of your greatest longings. Moving towards your fear can therefore bring you what you truly desire.
But progress does not always have to be a ´jump right in´ moment. It can be a gradual process where you honor your own needs and don´t force yourself into something that you don´t feel quite ready for. Your process is unique to you, just like your fears and longings are yours alone. Acknowledging what you need to move forward is a great form of self-care and allows space for joy and fun in doing scary, uncomfortable things.
Some days you will feel brave enough to take a leap and do a big scary thing. Some days, you don´t. And that is totally okay. You can still make progress when you take tons of tiny steps that feel slightly scary, and gently grow your courage and confidence over time.
If you feel called to do things that scare you and you would like some guidance in this process, or if you want to gently expand your resilience to fear, then you can contact me here.