Anger is one of the most misunderstood emotions. Many of us have grown up with the belief that anger is dangerous, inappropriate, or something to be hidden—so we learn to push it down, avoid it, or let it spill out only when it becomes too much to hold.

But anger, at its core, is a messenger. It tells us when our boundaries have been crossed, when something matters deeply to us, or when a part of us needs to be protected.

In this article, we’ll explore how to feel and express anger in a way that honors both your body and your relationships—without shutting it down or letting it take over. Because when anger is felt and expressed with awareness, it can become a powerful force for clarity, strength, and even connection.

In its essence, anger allows us to stand up for ourselves when our boundaries are crossed. After the boundary has been established, anger subsides naturally.

We see this happen very clearly with young children: they express their anger and their emotional state shifts almost immediately. This is how our emotions naturally evolve: we feel them, express them and they fade.

But most people learn from a very young age that anger is not acceptable. Their parents, teachers and society at large constantly reflects the message back to them that to feel angry means to be rejected.

It’s no wonder anger makes us uncomfortable. Most of us didn’t grow up with healthy role models for expressing it — we were shown how to suppress it, explode with it, or avoid it altogether. Rarely were we taught how to be with anger in a way that feels safe and constructive.

From the examples we saw growing up, we often internalized the message that anger is wild, destructive, or something to fear — not something that can be understood, felt, and expressed with care. Instead of learning healthy coping mechanisms for anger, the default then becomes to suppress and ignore anger. That is, until something touches a nerve so deeply that it spills out all at once — often in ways that feel overwhelming or out of proportion.

When anger isn’t welcomed or expressed, it becomes harder to set boundaries or speak up for what matters. And while we might try to push it away, anger doesn’t disappear — it often retreats beneath the surface, waiting for another moment to be heard.

Because we don´t learn the tools to process anger in a healthy way, we develop coping mechanisms to suppress and deny our anger.

For some of us, anger feels so unsafe that we avoid it altogether. This often looks like people-pleasing, avoiding any form of conflict and denying your true needs to keep the peace.

If this resonates with you, you may find yourself constantly striving to be kind, adapting to the needs of others without voicing your own. Over time, consistently prioritizing others’ expectations over your own can leave you feeling drained and disempowered.

It is important to recognize that the strategy to always be kind and understanding and not be ´difficult´ or have needs is a protection mechanism that you developed to feel loved and accepted as a child. People-pleasing is a survival strategy that you developed to protect yourself from the pain of being rejected by your caregivers. As a child, you depend on your caregivers for food and shelter, and you also deeply crave their love and approval.

When you learn to express your needs and establish boundaries, this can bring up a lot of resistance and discomfort. Your nervous system is wired to please the people around you, and still feels like you rely on them for your survival. The child part of you is still living in the past, because it hasn´t fully processed the painful experiences from the past.

As you begin to value your own needs and boundaries, it’s important to make space for the resistance and discomfort that may arise. This process of unlearning old patterns—often shaped in childhood—takes time, allowing your nervous system to slowly adjust to new, healthier ways of being.

Another way unprocessed anger can manifest is by going through life feeling slightly angry all the time, ranging from mild frustration to rage. This kind of anger, when left unchecked, can destroy your joy and your relationships.

For some of us, having a complicated relationship with anger results in having the anger come out in situations that have nothing to do with the original source of the anger.

When you try to suppress your anger, it often hides under the surface, waiting to come out anytime you are triggered. It may come out in situations where you feel powerless, like when you are stuck in traffic while you are late for a meeting. Perhaps it comes out when you don´t feel seen or appreciated, like when your partner fails to put their laundry in the basket. Or maybe you feel like your anger is justified, but it comes out more extreme than what would be reasonable in that specific situation.

While anger can give you the power to stand up for your, it can also be destructive when you don´t know how to self-regulate and take a step back. It can be a source of impulsive action and saying things you can´t take back later. Anger can come out in the form of road rage, starting arguments with coworkers or yelling at the kids. 

This form of anger can be a source of guilt and shame, which in turn can lead to even more anger and frustration. It is important to learn how to regulate your anger, so that you can express your needs in a balanced way.

Certain situations ask for an instant expression of anger, like situations where you feel threatened. In those cases, defending your boundaries is highly beneficial.

Other situations, like fights with your significant other, might benefit from taking a step back, feeling and processing your anger on your own and reflecting on its message.

Is your anger coming from the current situation? Or did the situation trigger memories from the past, when you weren´t able to express your anger? When you find out what is truly going on, you are then able to express your needs to others.

When your anger level feels exaggerated for the specific situation you are in, it is likely that a childhood wound has been triggered. This feels very uncomfortable, but it gives you the opportunity to feel and express what you weren´t able to acknowledge when you were younger.

While it is hard to defend boundaries that were crossed in past, expressing suppressed anger for past situations is still highly beneficial. It allows you to honor the pain you felt in the past, and allows you to acknowledge that your feelings matter. When you process in a healthy way, you release a layer of the anger you were carrying around with you. Similar situations will then feel much less triggering to you, since you no longer feel such weight around them.

Are you angry or are you sad, ashamed or scared? Research shows that anger is often a secondary emotion, masking emotions that are more painful to feel and accept.

Anger can make us feel in control and powerful, whereas being sad, ashamed or scared (to name a few) can make us feel small and powerless. We feel anger in those situations as a protection mechanism from feeling other emotions.

It takes courage to feel intense emotions, but taking the time to see what is behind the anger could bring freedom from it. When you choose to accept the emotions behind it, you no longer need anger to protect yourself from feeling them. If this feels difficult to do alone, exploring your emotions in a therapeutic setting with a practitioner can be very helpful.

When you are feeling anger, rage or even mild frustration your mind can create stories about why you are angry, and who is to blame. It is also quite common to take out anger on those that happen to be around you, even if they didn´t do anything to deserve it. When you are consumed with anger, it can be challenging to look at things from a neutral perspective since everything is seen through the lens of anger.

While everyone has unique needs and preferences, here are some ways to feel and express anger in a healthy way.

1. Take a step back

Anger is a very reactive emotion, and so your tendency when anger comes up is to immediately respond o the situation in front of you in an explosive way. While this often feels right and justified in the moment, it can make you say or do things that you regret later.

One of the best things you can do for yourself when you feel angry is to take a step back. This can be a challenging step, because it goes against what you inherently want to do in that moment. But when you do, you give yourself a chance to process. You can still express your needs and boundaries, but when you do so from a calmer place you tend to look at your situation from a more neutral point of view.

2. Notice your physical sensations

It is tempting to get stuck in the story of why you are angry. But big emotions often include an element of past experiences that you haven´t fully processed. There might be more going on beneath the surface, and your brain is not the best source of information when you are in a triggered state.

Instead, focus on your body and the sensations you feel. This gets you out of your head and into the felt sense, which allows you to actually feel your anger rather than just think about it.  You may notice that you started breathing faster. Perhaps you will feel tension or a contraction in your body. Clients often describe it as a burning sensation. See if you can bring your attention there while you breathe deeply. Recognizing the way anger feels in your body will help you notice it when it comes up. This makes it easier to take a step back when you feel slightly irritated, so you can take a step back.

3. If you can, follow your body´s natural tendencies

Our emotions come with natural patterns in our body, and working with those patterns is a great way to express anger in a healthy way. When you tune into your body, you may notice that your body naturally gravitates towards certain movements. You might be clenching your fists and feel a tendency to make sounds or stomp your feet on the ground. Allowing yourself to follow these natural tendencies helps to acknowledge and process the anger without getting stuck in the story. So use your body to express anger. Make sure you are doing this in a safe place where you can´t hurt yourself.

After a while, you will notice that your anger will naturally subside.

4. Use your voice (literally or figuratively)

Your voice is another great way to express anger. Perhaps you would like to make sounds (a personal favorite of mine) or use music that expresses your mood.

It can also be helpful to write about your anger. This gives you a chance to express your thoughts without necessarily harming your relationships. It can also give you great insight into your anger, where it comes from and what may be hiding behind it.

5. Incorporate some calming practices

After you have had a chance to express your anger, it is helpful to use calming practices to calm your nervous system. What feels calming to you is very unique. but examples are deep breathing, a walk in nature or a warm bath. You may also find calm in certain scents, textures of clothing or music. 

Anger puts you in an activated state, and while it´s very helpful to allow yourself to feel that energy, it is equally beneficial to regulate yourself back to calmness afterwards.

6. From this calmer place, reflect on what your anger was there to teach you.

Now that have taken the time to process your anger and have returned to a regulated state, it is helpful to reflect on what brought up your anger. What happened that made you feel this way? What did you need at that time? Is there anything you would like to express to anyone?

From this place, you can express how you felt to the people it may concern. Share why you felt triggered, and what you need in that situation.

You may also notice that there is something underneath the anger, usually sadness. If you feel any other emotions come up, give yourself the space to feel those as well.

Taking a step back when anger comes up and giving yourself the time and space to process the feeling without anyone else around is helpful. It gives you the space to express your feelings without reacting from that place of anger. As you become more and more comfortable with your anger, you become less reactive.

If you are new to processing anger, or if you find the process overwhelming, working with a practitioner is very helpful. My somatic coaching program might be just right for you if you would like some guidance. If you have any questions or would like to get acquainted first. feel free to schedule a free introduction call with me.