How to feel and express anger in a healthy way

Like all emotions, anger has a function: to protect you when your boundaries are crossed. Anger gives you the power to stand up for yourself in situations that are unacceptable to you. When the boundary is established, the anger will naturally fade.

But most people did not learn how to set healthy boundaries as a child. Anger was often seen as an unwanted emotion, by parents, teachers and society at large. Lots of people learned at a very young age that being angry meant being rejected. Instead of learning healthy coping mechanisms for anger, the default then becomes to suppress and ignore anger.

When you are not allowed to feel anger, you are not able to boundaries and stand up for yourself. Also, your anger does not go away when you ignore it, it just goes into hiding to come out at another time.

When you learn how to feel and express anger in a healthy way, you are able to stand in our power and have healthy boundaries. Anger will come up when you need it, and will subside once the boundary is established.

Denying your anger can show up in different ways. For some of us, it means staying far away from anger. This often looks like avoiding any form of conflict and denying your true needs to keep the peace.

If this is you, you may feel a need to always be kind, adapt to what other people need from you without complaining. When you consistently ignore your own needs to fulfil other people´s expectations, you will end up feeling exhausted and unempowered.

It is important to recognize that the strategy to always be kind and understanding and not be ´difficult´ or have needs is a protection mechanism that you developed to feel loved and accepted as a child. It is a survival strategy that you developed to protect yourself from the pain of being rejected by your caregivers. As a child, you depend on your parents for food and shelter, and you also deeply crave their love and approval.

When you learn to express your needs and establish boundaries, this can bring up a lot of resistance and discomfort. Your nervous system is wired to please the people around you, and still feels like you rely on them for your survival. The child part of you is still living in the past, because it hasn´t fully processed the painful experiences from the past.

It is important to create space for the resistance and discomfort while you learn to value your own needs and limitations. It is a gradual process of unlearning behaviors that have been with you since childhood, and letting your nervous system become familiar with new, healthier patterns.

You may go through life feeling angry all the time, ranging from mild frustration to rage. This kind of anger, when left unchecked, can destroy your joy and your relationships.

For some of us, having a complicated relationship with anger results in having the anger come out in situations that have nothing to do with the original source of the anger.

When you try to suppress your anger, it often hides under the surface, waiting to come out anytime you are triggered. It may come out in situations where you feel powerless, like when you are stuck in traffic while you are late for a meeting. Perhaps it comes out when you don´t feel seen or appreciated, like when your partner fails to put their laundry in the basket. Or maybe you feel like your anger is justified, but it comes out more extreme than what would be reasonable in that specific situation.

While anger can give you the power to stand up for your, it can also be destructive when you don´t know how to self-regulate and take a step back. It can be a source of impulsive action and saying things you can´t take back later. Anger can come out in the form of road rage, starting arguments with coworkers or yelling at the kids. 

This form of anger can be a source of guilt and shame, which in turn can lead to even more anger and frustration. It is important to learn how to regulate your anger, so that you can express your needs in a way balanced way.

Certain situations ask for an instant expression of anger, like situations where you feel threatened. In those cases, defending your boundaries is highly beneficial.

Other situations, like fights with your significant other, might benefit from taking a step back, feeling and processing your anger on your own and reflecting on its message.

Is your anger coming from the current situation? Or did the situation trigger memories from the past, when you weren´t able to express your anger? When you find out what is truly going on, you are then able to express your needs to others.

When your anger level feels exaggerated for the specific situation you are in, it is likely that a childhood wound has been triggered. While this is uncomfortable, it gives you the oppportunity to feel and express what you weren´t able to acknowledge when you were younger.

While it is hard to defend boundaries that were crossed in past, expressing suppressed anger for past situations is still highly beneficial. It allows you to honor the pain you felt in the past, and allows you to acknowledge that your feelings matter. When you process in a healthy way, you release a layer of the anger you were carrying around with you. 

Are you angry or are you sad, ashamed or scared? Research shows that anger is often a secondary emotion, masking emotions that are more painful to feel and accept.

Anger can make us feel in control and powerful, whereas being sad, ashamed or scared (to name a few) can make us feel small and powerless. We feel anger in those situations as a protection mechanism from feeling other emotions.

It takes courage to feel intense emotions, but taking the time to see what is behind the anger could bring freedom from it. When you choose to accept the emotions behind it, you no longer need anger to protect yourself from feeling them. If this feels difficult to do alone, exploring your emotions in a therapeutic setting with a practitioner can be very helpful.

When you are feeling anger, rage or even mild frustration your mind can create stories about why you are angry, and who is to blame. It is also quite common to take out anger on those that happen to be around you, even if they didn´t do anything to deserve it. When you are consumed with anger, it can be challenging to look at things from a neutral perspective since everything is seen through the lens of anger.

While everyone has unique needs and preferences, here are some ways to feel and express anger in a healthy way.

1. Take a step back

One of the best things you can do for yourself when you feel angry is to take a step back. Your tendency is to react immediately, so this can be a challenging step. But when you do, you give yourself a chance to process. You can still express your needs and boundaries, but when you do so from a calmer place you tend to look at your situation from a more neutral point of view.

2. Notice your physical sensations

When you put your attention on your body, you will probably notice that you started breathing faster. Perhaps you will feel tension or a contraction in your body. Clients often describe it as a burning sensation. See if you can bring your attention there while you breathe deeply.

3. If you can, follow your body´s natural tendencies

Your might notice some natural tendencies in your body when you feel angry. You might be clenching your fists and feel a tendency to make sounds or stomp your feet on the ground. Allowing yourself to follow these natural tendencies helps to acknowledge and process the anger without getting stuck in the story. So use your body to express anger. Make sure you are doing this in a safe place where you can´t hurt yourself.

After a while, you will notice that your anger will naturally subside.

4. Use your voice (literally or figuratively)

Your voice is another great way to express anger. Perhaps you would like to make sounds (a personal favorite of mine) or use music that expresses your mood.

It can also be helpful to write about your anger. This gives you a chance to express your thoughts without necessarily harming your relationships. It can also give you great insight into your anger, where it comes from and what may be hiding behind it.

5. Incorporate some calming practices

After you have had a chance to express your anger, it is helpful to use calming practices to calm your nervous system. What feels calming to you is very unique. but examples are deep breathing, a walk in nature or talking to a friend you trust.

You may also find calm in certain scents, textures of clothing or music. 

Taking a step back when anger comes up and giving yourself the time and space to process the feeling without anyone else around is helpful. It gives you the space to express your feelings without reacting from that place of anger. As you become more and more comfortable with your anger, you become less reactive.

If you are new to dealing with your anger, or if you find the process overwhelming, working with a practitioner is very helpful. If you would like some guidance while you explore your anger, my coaching program might be just right for you. If you have any questions or would like to get acquainted first. feel free to schedule a free introduction call with me.