WHY POSITIVE THINKING IS NOT MAKING YOU FEEL BETTER

When I was 19 years old, I first learned about positive thinking through reading The Secret. The message of that book is that by repeating positive affirmations every day you change your thoughts, and your reality. Lots of resources in self-development are based on the idea of changing the subconscious mind. The idea is that by changing the way you speak to yourself your confidence grows, and you believe that you can do things that you previously did not think you were able to do. By changing your conscious mind (your thoughts) you eventually change the subconscious minds (your beliefs).

When I started applying this in my life, I noticed that it definitely worked. It´s like when someone gives you a pep talk before you give a presentation or enter a job interview: it makes you feel just a little more confident, and you tend to do better as a result.

Affirmations and positive self-talk can help you show up differently, which will often give a positive result.

When you feel great about yourself, life tends to flow more. Other people sense your confidence, and then trust your abilities more. When you like yourself, other people will treat you better.

Believing in yourself is an important part of making things happen. When you don´t believe in yourself, you usually don´t have the courage to take a first step. Oftentimes, a lack of confidence causes self-sabotage in the pursuit of your dreams, because deep down you don´t really belief you are good enough to achieve it.

Being mindful of the way you speak to yourself and questioning whether your beliefs are true can be a helpful tool in growing your confidence. But this is often not the whole picture.

In hindsight, I used positive thinking to ignore, suppress or avoid feelings that I did not want to feel by focusing on what I wanted to experience instead.

And I believe I am not the only one. I see tons of resources out there that focus on positive thinking, avoiding negative people and only feeling what you want to feel.

Part of the human experience is that we feel a spectrum of emotions that all have a purpose. No one feels happy and positive all the time, and we are not meant to feel that way. Fear, sadness, anger and disappointment all serve a purpose, they show us the part of ourselves that need tending to.

We can ignore or distract ourselves out of discomfort for a little while. But eventually, life will probably present you with an opportunity where those fears, angers, sadness and all the other discomforts of life would come up anyway. This can then feel like you have failed, and like you are ´attracting´ circumstances you don´t want into your life.

To my surprise I noticed that when I had no other choice but to allow the feelings to come up, it would be very uncomfortable at first but the intensity would decrease quite quickly. It was as if the feelings dissolved naturally after I stopped suppressing them, and I felt lighter after sitting through the discomfort. I learned my lesson and vowed to never suppress my feelings again.

When we don´t acknowledge our feelings, or see them as negative and unwanted, we deny a part of ourselves. Over time, it becomes much harder to ´think´ our way out of these feelings, as these parts of ourselves want attention. They want to come up to the surface to be acknowledged and healed.

You can´t always ´think´ your way out of feelings, but you can feel them and let them move through you

When you accept your feelings and learn to process them in a healthy way, you create space to feel natural joy, gratitude, trust and courage. Ironically, the moment you stop fighting your feelings is the moment they stop having power over you.

Giving yourself time and space to process fear, disappointment, anger and sadness means you give space to healing from your past experiences. You will then feel much more freedom to move forward without the burden of the past. As you go through this process, you build trust in yourself and life. Taking the next step will feel much easier.

You can be honest with yourself about what you are currently feeling and experiencing while building courage and trust to move towards where you want to go.

It is okay to move towards your dreams and desires while also giving yourself space to feel frustrated, scared and disappointed. You can have thoughts of self-doubt, insecurities and fear and you can still find success in what you set out to do.

When you suppress your feelings by only allowing yourself to feel positive feelings and having positive thoughts, something inside you will feel off. When you deny yourself the truth of how you are feeling, you are wearing a mask even towards yourself. Over time, it costs more and more energy to ignore your true feelings.

Healing the wound that is underneath the feelings means you move towards a state of genuine confidence, one where you don´t have to convince yourself that you are good enough. Rather, you feel a deep-rooted self-worth.

When you longer feel the need to ignore the discomfort you are feeling, speaking more kindly to and about yourself is definitely helpful in showing up with more confidence.

What are your experiences with positive thinking? Have you used it as a tool to avoid feeling uncomfortable feelings? Feel free to share your experiences with me.