Why perfectionism is a form of self-sabotage

 Setting the standards too high for yourself is a way of keeping yourself safe

When I started working as a coach and writer, I felt deeply fulfilled: I was finally doing something that matched who I am. But the moment I began to care that much, all my fears and doubts came to the surface. I started wondering whether I had the right experience, the right training, or even the right personality to do this work. It felt vulnerable to care so much.

I was full of inspiration and ideas, and the creative process itself brought me a lot of joy. But when it was time to share my work, I froze. I would hold off posting a blog so I could “improve” it just a little more. I would re-record a video because I hadn’t said everything perfectly, or because I didn’t like how my hair looked. I thought that if I could get everything just right, I would finally feel safe enough to put myself out there.

I felt that on some level, I had to prove that I was good enough to do this work. And I thought that the way to prove that was by setting very high standards for any of the content I would put out.

And this is something I see in many of my clients as well. They care deeply: about their work, their relationships, their wellbeing, and that care weighs on them so heavily that it turns into pressure. We think that if we can just do things perfectly, we can avoid being judged, misunderstood, or rejected in the areas of life that we care about the most.

What we often don’t realise is that perfectionism is a very subtle form of self-sabotage.

The irony is that perfectionism doesn’t actually make our work better, it often makes things worse. The pieces I wrote from ease and flow resonated far more than the ones I polished endlessly. Fear is a rigid energy, and when we create from that place, our work loses its warmth and aliveness.

We often think our perfectionism is reasonable. It feels like we are just thoughtful and responsible with what we put out there, and that our high standards come from a loving place.

But really, it is a subtle form of self-sabotage, coming from a place of fear. We fear that we aren´t good enough, that we aren´t ready, and that we will be judged, rejected or disappointed when we care so much about getting it right. Our nervous system wants to protect us from those intense feelings and will do anything to convince us that perhaps now is not the right time. And that is how we end up self-sabotaging something that could be great for us.

The higher we raise the bar for ourselves, the more we delay the very things we long for. It keeps us stuck in the cycle of preparing, improving and waiting for the moment where we feel safe enough to be seen, a moment that may never come. Because safety doesn´t come from perfecting the outcome, but from building trust in ourselves one step at a time.

When it comes to doing something new or meaningful, there is always a learning curve. We don’t wake up one morning knowing exactly what to do, we grow into it. We learn when we allow ourselves to experiment, and we deepen our competence by participating in the process, not by waiting until we’re flawless.

Letting go of perfectionism means we let ourselves be seen before we are fully ready.

It means trusting that your work and efforts matter because they are uniquely yours. To allow yourself to grow into the person you are becoming, at your own pace.

We unravel the patterns of perfectionism and self-sabotage when we detach our self-worth from the outcome of our actions. When we give ourselves the chance to be a little messy, to experiment and experience joy in the process.

Perfectionism doesn´t just live in our thoughts, it is a nervous system reaction to something that feels unsafe. A first step to help soften the pattern is to notice how perfectionism feels in your body. For me, it shows up as tension: a tightening of my muscles and shallow breathing. It is an energy that wants to move you into action to ¨fix¨ and improve things.

Instead, when you notice this rigid energy in my body, take a pause. Breathe into the tension and allow it to soften just a little.

Playfulness, rest, and gentleness are the antidotes of fear and help soften these patterns. Instead of fixing what probably isn´t broken, you might want to focus on doing something calming. Perhaps you want to go on a walk or take a hot bath to calm your nervous system before you return to your work.

Alternatively, you might want to bring a little joy and messiness into your work. Give yourself a chance to experiment, and gently stretch your resilience for imperfection.

And perhaps the most important part: offering kindness to yourself in the moments you fall into old patterns, because those are inevitably going to happen.

You are not failing, you are unlearning a mechanism which has long kept you safe, one step at a time.

If you are courageous enough to explore where your perfectionism is making you self-sabotage and would like some guidance in this process, feel free to send me an email.

If you enjoyed this article, perhaps you will also enjoy:

The consequences of perfectionism, and how to embrace life´s messiness 

Understanding self-sabotage: how we block our own success