When I was still in the corporate world, my team would start every week with a meeting where we discussed our projects but also shared how our weekends had been. My teammates, who were all about the same age as me, would share stories about the festivals they had been to, the parties they had attended and the spontaneous road trips they had taken.
My weekends looked something like this: I usually had coffee or a walk with a friend, did laundry, went to yoga and slept a lot. Maybe I would try out a new recipe, if I was feeling crazy. And don´t get me wrong; this was how I wanted to spend my weekend. After a week in the office, I really needed time to recharge my battery, and I love a slow-paced life in general.
But as an introvert growing up in a mostly extroverted family, this was something I had always felt a bit self-conscious about. There was a part of me that felt that I should live a more exciting life, with big groups of friends and cool stories to tell on a Monday morning. Every Monday I debated between telling the truth about my weekend or finding a way to make it sound a little more exciting.
This might not be your personal experience, but I believe we all recognize that feeling of wanting to perform a little to make ourselves sound a little more interesting, exciting, confident, professional or successful than we really feel.
When we have a job interview or business meeting, we might exaggerate our achievements and describe the road we took to get to where we are in the most flattering way. On a first date we tend to hide our vulnerabilities and present ourselves in the most confident way possible. When you go to a birthday party where you don´t know anyone, you might put on a slightly more outgoing version of yourself. And the holidays with our families asking all the standard questions might tempt you to make your life sound a little more put together than it really is.
And this is very understandable .We often feel vulnerable in those situations and want to come across in the best possible way. You are going for something you long for, like a specific job, business opportunity or relationship, and want to do everything you can to receive it. Or you want to feel accepted by the people you are spending time with, whether they are friends, family or just the people you are in the same room with.
We have this belief of the person we need to be to receive the relationships and opportunities that we long for, or to maintain the ones we already have, and we tend to mold ourselves ever so subtly into the person we think we need to be.
Performing is often not becoming an entirely different person but exaggerating certain parts of our personality and leaving out parts of us that seem less desirable in that setting. We want to influence the way other people perceive us and our life choices, so that we can avoid criticism on the parts of ourselves we feel most vulnerable about. It is a shield of self-protection, guarding us from rejection.
In some environments, we are encouraged to perform. Workplaces in particular often have unwritten rules about how we are expected to show up. Other times we set the expectations for ourselves based on our experiences, upbringing and beliefs. Sometimes the performance is so ingrained in us that we are not even aware that we are doing it. It´s like we subconsciously slip into this persona, the version of ourselves we present at work, in front of our families or strangers.
But by doing this, we reinforce the belief that who we truly are isn´t quite enough, We shrink to fit into what we believe we need to be, and hide the edges that make up our unique nature. We keep a part of our personality and truth hidden or work hard to change those parts of ourselves.
Anything that comes into our live through performing fuels the pressure to keep up the performance. Over time, this creates a disconnect between the person we are at home and the person we need to be at work, in our business or around certain people. We don´t feel free to express ourselves naturally, but carefully consider every move we make. Deep down we are aware that something is off, and it can really diminish our shine.
Authenticity has nothing to do with oversharing, but rather with a deep acceptance of who you truly are, and staying connected to that essence in any situation.
When you trust that you are worthy of the things you long for as you are, you no longer feel the need to perform. You are able to stay connected to your authentic essence regardless of the space you find yourself in. If the room you are in asks for you to be different than you are, perhaps instead of molding yourself to the expectation it comes with, it´s time to move to a new room.
If you are courageous enough to explore where you are performing and would like some guidance in this process, feel free to send me an email.
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