When you feel guilt around rest, you have been taught that your worth depends on how much you achieve
Like many others, I grew up with the belief that there is a big difference between tired and lazy.
Tired is how you feel when your mind and body need a well-deserved rest after a day of hard work.
Lazy is how you feel when your mind and body also need rest, but you haven´t done the hard work to deserve this rest.
This distinction gives us the impression that rest is a reward for our hard work, and that we only deserve a break when we have worked ourselves to exhaustion.
I don´t blame my family for this narrative, because it is not theirs. They learned it from their parents, who in turn grew up with these beliefs as well. For many generations, society has pushed the belief onto us that rest is something we need to earn.
At some point in history, these beliefs made sense. With the way our ancestors lived, rest was often a luxury that they couldn´t afford. They relied on their constant hard work to survive.
But chances are, if you are reading this, that you can do more than just survive. And so perhaps, you are the one in your family that gets to change this narrative.
Rest is not a luxury, it is a deeply human need and an act of self-care
Since most of us where brought up with the belief that our value lies in how productive we have been that day, we feel like we constantly need to be busy to prove our worth. When we need more rest than we feel we deserve, we often feel shame and guilt.
Many of the clients I work with tell me they feel physically comfortable when they sit down to do nothing, even when they really need it. They feel like there is always something more to do: more work, more chores around the house, more people to help and more exercise they could do.
Whenever they take a break to give their bodies and minds a much-needed break, they feel a physical urge to move back into ´doing mode´. This is because to their nervous system, rest feels unsafe. The survival mechanism passed down from our ancestors is still wired into our nervous system, and it can be challenging to unravel.
The more we have internalized the belief that our worth is attached to how much we achieve, the more uncomfortable it will feel to rest.
But rest isn´t just a break from being productive. It is a chance to nourish your body and give you a chance to process your experiences. It gives you the time and space to reflect on how your life is going and give you new perspectives.
A period of rest gives you the change to integrate the experiences life has given you, and gain wisdom from them. This is also where it could get uncomfortable. When you take a break, the feelings that you may have temporarily pushed aside by staying busy will come to the surface.
For some of us busyness is a shield against feeling those uncomfortable emotions. When we sit down and reflect on how we feel about our work, relationships or life as a whole, it might mean we need to make some changes.
Our nervous system needs rest to feel safe, and to be in connection with others. When we are constantly busy, it is challenging to be present and fully show up for the experiences that life brings.
But to get there, we have to embrace the initial discomfort that rest may bring up. The guilt and shame that come with doing nothing. The uncomfortable feelings we may have been avoiding. And the strong urge we may feel to go back into doing mode.
It is like we have to teach our nervous system that it is safe to take a break. That our world won´t crumble when we decide to take care of our bodies and minds. In fact, the opposite is often true.
When we have plenty of rest, we get to look at ourselves through the lens of calmness, and make decisions from that place.
That means we get to focus on what truly matters and leave the rest. When we listen to the unique needs of our bodies and take good care of ourselves, we stop surviving and learn how to thrive.
What rest looks like is unique to each of us. For you it could be taking the time to drink your coffee without distractions, spending some extra time in bed, reading a book or listening to calming music. It may be a gentle walk or yoga class, time spent with your kids without distractions or doing puzzles. Learn what your body and mind need to feel at ease, to replenish and feel nourished.
Whenever you give yourself permission to rest regardless of how much you have achieved that day, you teach yourself that you deserve to feel great and that your worth lies in who you are, not what you do.
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