Separating our worth from our achievements
Like many others, I grew up with the belief that there is a big difference between tired and lazy.
Tired is how you feel when your mind and body need a well-deserved rest after a day of hard work.
Lazy is how you feel when your mind and body also need rest, but you haven´t done the hard work to deserve this rest.
This distinction is often made in our culture, and enforces the belief that rest is a reward for our hard work, something we only deserve if we have earned it by being a productive member of society.
I don´t blame my family for this narrative, because it is not theirs. They learned it from their parents, who in turn grew up with these beliefs as well. For many generations, society has pushed the belief onto us that rest is something we need to earn. Whole generations have been shamed into feeling guilty when they sit idly while there are still things to do. And let´s face it, there´s always things to do.
When we look at history, it is not hard to see where these beliefs come from. For many of the generations that came before us, rest was a luxury they often couldn´t afford. They relied on their constant hard work to survive. And for many people around the world, this continues to be the case.
But chances are, if you are reading this, that you can do more than just survive. And so perhaps, you are the one in your family that gets to change this narrative.
Our society continues to reinforce the belief that our value lies in our achievements and productivity. We are taught to take pride in how much we can get done in a day, and compete with others to be the most efficient. These messages instill the belief in us that we need to be busy to prove our worth. When we need more rest than we feel we deserve, we often feel shame and guilt.
Many of the clients I work with tell me they feel physically comfortable when they sit down to do nothing, even when they really need it. They feel like there is always something more to do: more work, more chores around the house, more people to help and more exercise they could do. Rest is not treated as a priority, but as something that comes at the end of the list, if there is time left.
Whenever they take a break to give their bodies and minds a much-needed break, they feel a physical urge to move back into ´doing mode´. This is because to their nervous system, rest feels unsafe. The survival mechanism passed down from our ancestors is still wired into our nervous system, and it can be challenging to unravel.
The more we have internalized the belief that our worth is attached to how much we achieve, the more uncomfortable it will feel to rest.
But rest isn´t just a break from being productive. It is a chance to nourish your body and to process your experiences. It gives you the time and space to reflect on how your life is going and give you new perspectives.
A period of rest gives you the change to integrate the experiences life has given you, and gain wisdom from them. This is also where it could get uncomfortable. When you take a break, the feelings that you may have temporarily pushed aside by staying busy will come to the surface.
For some of us busyness is a shield against feeling those uncomfortable emotions. When we sit down and reflect on how we feel about our work, relationships or life as a whole, it might mean we need to make some changes.
Our nervous system needs rest to feel safe, and to be in connection with others. When we are constantly busy, it is challenging to be present and fully show up for the experiences that life brings.
But to get there, we have to embrace the initial discomfort that rest may bring up. The guilt and shame that come with doing nothing. The uncomfortable feelings we may have been avoiding. And the strong urge we may feel to go back into doing mode.
It is like we have to teach our nervous system that it is safe to take a break after a lifetime of conditioning that tells us it is not. That our world won´t crumble when we decide to take care of our bodies and minds. In fact, the opposite is often true.
When we have plenty of rest, we get to look life through the lens of calmness, and make decisions from that place.
When we listen to the unique needs of our bodies and adopt the belief that we deserve to feel nourished, we move out of survival mode and into a new state of safety, calmness and joy. That state becomes the lens through which we learn to make decisions. We also set a new example to those around us, that they get to prioritize rest as well.
Allowing more space for rest means leaning into the trust that your value lies in who you are, not how much you have done that day. That doing less is not about letting go of the things that matter to you, but in valuing your time and devoting it to what truly matters. In the process, you set a new example for those around you, teaching your loved ones that they deserve rest as well.
What rest looks like is unique to each of us. For you it could be taking the time to drink your coffee without distractions, spending some extra time in bed, reading a book or listening to calming music. It may be a gentle walk or yoga class, time spent with your kids without distractions or doing puzzles. Learning what your body and mind need to feel at ease, replenished and nourished is one of the most valuable things you can do for yourself.
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