How your nervous system shapes your need for connection
We are wired for connection. Having meaningful relationships in our lives where we are fully seen and accepted for who we are not only makes us feel happy, it makes us feel safe. Since our ancestors relied on the tribe they belonged to for their survival, our nervous system constantly scans the people around us for cues of safety or danger. And so while meaningful connections make us feel safe, calm and resilient, loneliness makes us feel unsafe.
As humans, we all crave belonging: that feeling of being connected to others and being seen and appreciated for who we really are. We need the love and support of others to feel safe in the world, to feel like others will be there to catch us when we fall. The pain we feel when we lack that feeling of belonging is what we know as loneliness.
We have been taught to feel shame for the feeling of loneliness, because we believe it is our own fault we feel that way: we haven´t invested enough in the relationships in our lives, or we aren´t worthy of real connection on some level.
But in truth, loneliness is a deeply human emotion. It is not the same as solitude, something we all need from time to time (some more than others). We can be on our own and not feel lonely, and we can feel lonely even when we are surrounded by people. What we crave is not just having people around us, but feeling a deep connection to those people. We want to be able to be our most natural selves, show up exactly how we feel that day, and to be valued and appreciated regardless of the external circumstances in our lives.
Loneliness is about the perceived disconnection from others, a state where you feel unseen, unsupported or isolated from others.
It is the emotional experience of not been understood, seen and valued on a deeper level. This is why people who are a part of tight-knit communities can feel quite lonely when they feel like part of who they are is not accepted by the group.
One cause of loneliness is when our needs for meaningful relationships aren´t met. This can happen when you move somewhere new and haven´t built deep connections (yet). Maybe you are in a different phase of life to the people around you, or feel that they have different values, interest and experiences. Perhaps you feel loved by the people around you, but you don´t feel the emotional safety to open up to them and share how you truly feel. When the people you love are uncomfortable with their own emotions, they often aren´t able to be there for you on a level where you feel safe to be deeply vulnerable. We have been taught to experience our most emotional moments alone, and that can be a lonely experience.
Our modern society has more of an inherent loneliness to it compared to our ancestors that often lived in tribes and communities. We often long for that natural connection and support that comes with being part of something, where we don´t have to plan to meet up or perform to belong.
Another cause of loneliness is the wounds we carry around connection: all the times our hearts got a little bruised by the pain, disappointment and sadness that came with not receiving what we longed for in connection to others.
While most of us crave deep connections, we also have a shared deep fear of vulnerability. Or rather, the fear of judgment and abandonment that come with vulnerability. When you have wounds from the past, connection can be challenging as you may interpret things like someone´s tone of voice, body language and facial expressions through the lens of that wound.
We often use self-protection mechanisms to build a wall around our hearts. We may withdraw from someone when they get too close or perform and try to be who we feel we need to be for acceptance. While these walls can protect us from hurt, they also make it challenging to let people in. These self-protection mechanisms can feel so natural that you may think they are just part of your personality. When you go on the journey of peeling back the layers and finding who you are underneath them, you increase your capacity for connection.
Perhaps your nervous system is not open to receiving the connection you could have, because it doesn´t feel safe to let your guard down.
The way our nervous system works is that we need to feel calm and safe to be open to connect with others. At the same time, we need that connection to feel safe.
When there are no opportunities for true connection with other people, our nervous system feels unsafe. This can trigger a fight or flight response. In relationships, the flight response usually manifests as silence, distancing and isolating. The fight response looks like arguing with others, interrupting other people and fighting for attention. While heated discussions can be beneficial when they are respectful, acting from a fight response often creates separation, leading to more loneliness. This can become a vicious cycle that is hard to escape from.
There is a stigma around loneliness, as people who experience it often feel shame and guilt about it. It can give you the feeling that there is something wrong with you, that you should try harder or made the wrong decisions in the past. This cycle of emotions can make you feel more of a tendency to isolate, which leads to more loneliness.
The cure to both loneliness and the fight or flight reaction that follows from it is found in true connection with others.
When we experience heartfelt listening and response from another person, our nervous system can move out of survival mode and into a state of calm and safety.
Deep connection requires you to let your walls down so someone can enter. It means giving someone access to the most vulnerable parts of you and trusting that they will treat it with the care it deserves. If this is something you haven´t done in a while, or ever, it can take a little practice. As you gently calm your nervous system and hold space for the emotions that come up when you feel vulnerable, you slowly open yourself up to connection.
If you want to ease your loneliness and feel safe enough to open yourself up to connection, here are some ways you can start:
-Spend time with someone you trust, preferably someone who is calm
Our nervous system becomes calmer immediately when we spend time with someone else who is calm (a great system called co-regulation). If you currently don´t have such people in your life, a therapist or coach can be a great place to start. You learn to build a trusting relationship with someone, and this can lead to you opening up to other connections as well.
-Physical touch
A hug, a massage or other forms of physical touch release oxytocin, which helps you feel calm, safe and connected. You can even nourish your own body by giving yourself an oil massage.
-Spend time with animals or in nature
If you have a hard time connecting with humans, animals can be great too. Connecting with nature is a great way to calm your nervous system.
-Focus on calming your nervous system
There are several tools that help you feel calmer. Humming, singing, rocking back and forth. Gentle movement, certain smells and textures that remind you of when you felt safe. Incorporate gentle calming practices into your life.
When you are in a calmer state, it is a great idea to start with some low-stress social interactions. See where you can follow your interests more, or reach out in ways that don´t feel overwhelming. As you build your social interactions, continue using the calming tools.
If you want to create space for deep, meaningful connections in your life under my guidance, I invite you to schedule an introduction call with me.