Why you are angry, and how to express it in a healthy way 

Like all emotions, anger has a function: to protect you when your boundaries are crossed. Anger gives you the power to stand up for yourself in situations that are unacceptable to you. When the boundary is established, the anger will naturally fade.

But most people did not learn how to set healthy boundaries as a child. Anger was often seen as an unwanted emotion, by parents, teachers and society at large. Lots of people learned at a very young age that being angry meant being rejected. Instead of learning healthy coping mechanisms for anger, the default then becomes to suppress and ignore anger.

Not being allowed (or not allowing oneself) to feel anger means not being able to express boundaries and standing up for yourself. Ignoring your anger does not make it go away, it just goes into hiding to come out at another time.

What suppressed anger looks like

Denying your anger can show up in different ways. For some of us, it means staying far away from anger. This often looks like avoiding any form of conflict and denying your true needs to keep the peace. Always being kind, adapting to what other people need from you without complaining. This often leads to feeling unempowered and exhausted. It is important to recognize that the strategy to always be kind and understanding and not be ´difficult´is a protection mechanism that you developed to feel loved and accepted as a child.  Allowing space to know your needs and to set healthy boundaries is essential for living a fulfilling life.

Other people go through life being angry all the time, ranging from mild frustration to rage. This kind of anger, when left unchecked, can destroy your joy and your relationships. It can lead to impulsiveness and saying things that you can not take back later. Anger can come out in the form of road rage, starting arguments with coworkers or yelling at the kids. While everything that you say and do in anger probably feels justified at the time, it can be a source of shame and regret later. Finding ways to acknowledge and process anger is key. 

Dealing with past and current anger

Certain situations ask for an instant expression of anger, like situations where you feel threatened. In those cases, defending your boundaries is highly beneficial. Other situations, like fights with your significant other, might benefit from taking a step back, feeling and acknowledging your anger on your own and reflecting on its message. Is your anger coming from the current situation? Or did the situation trigger memories from the past, when you weren´t able to express your anger? When you find out what is truly going on, you are then able to express your needs to others.

While it is hard to defend boundaries that were crossed in past, expressing suppressed anger for past situations is still highly beneficial. It allows you to honor the pain you felt in the past, and allows you to acknowledge that your feelings matter. Whether that means just sitting in silence with the anger, using active forms of exercise and even the voice, or writing an angry letter, find what works for you.

Are you angry or are you sad, ashamed or scared?

Research shows that anger is often a secondary emotion, masking emotions that are more painful to feel and accept. Anger can make us feel in control and powerful, whereas being sad, ashamed or scared (to name a few) can make us feel small and powerless. We feel anger in those situations as a protection mechanism from feeling other emotions.

It takes courage to feel intense emotions, but taking the time to see what is behind the anger could bring freedom from it. When you choose to accept the emotions behind it, you no longer need anger to protect yourself from feeling them. If this feels difficult to do alone, exploring your emotions in a therapeutic setting with a practitioner can be very helpful.

How to process anger in a healthy way

When you are feeling anger, rage or even mild frustration your mind can create stories about why you are angry, and who is to blame. It is also quite common to take out anger on those that happen to be around you, even if they didn´t do anything to deserve it. When you are consumed with anger, it can be challenging to look at things from a neutral perspective since everything is seen through the lens of anger.

A great way to process anger in a healthy way is to get out of your head and instead focus on the physical sensations. When you put your attention on your body, you will probably notice that you started breathing faster. You might be clenching your fists and feel a tendency to make sounds or stomp your feet on the ground. Allowing yourself to follow these natural tendencies help acknowledge and process the anger without getting stuck in the story. After a while, you will notice that your anger will naturally subside.

Taking a step back when anger comes up and giving yourself the time and space to process the feeling without anyone else around is helpful. It can be tricky to do this at first, when you are not used to it. But as you become more and more comfortable with your anger, you become less reactive.

If you are new to dealing with your anger, or if you find the process overwhelming, working with a practitioner is very helpful. Always make sure you are in a safe place where you can´t hurt yourself.